December 16, 2012

I'm all in.

As soon as I put the car in park, I started talking myself out of it.

"I really don't need to do this...I can't do this...Just go home..."

Surprisingly, I didn't give in to the very persistent voice in my head. I paused when I got to the familiar double doors, giving myself one last chance to bolt. 

"Swallow your pride, Jessica. You can't run anymore. You know the rules and you aren't above them."

I quietly took a place in the group of chairs up front and noted that there were 12 people ahead of me. Plenty of time to pull myself together.

"You have to do this. You WANT to do this. No turning back."

As the line got shorter and shorter, I felt my heart beating faster and faster, 100% sure that everyone around me could sense my apprehension. I fumbled with the small slip of paper that I had tucked in my pocket, secretly hoping they'd cut the line off before me saying there wasn't enough time. 

Click. Creeeeeek.

The door opened signaling the next in line could enter.

I pushed through the dread and desire to flee in the opposite direction and entered the tiny room, clutching my list of wrongdoings. As soon as I hit my knees, the tears started falling and I could barely choke out the words. 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 20 years since my last confession."

On Saturday, December 15th, 2012 I owned up to my own wickedness.

Turns out, there was nothing to be afraid of.

I'm all in.


  1. Oh Jess, this brought tears to my eyes. I understand so much of what you have posted about your spiritual journey, I have experienced it as well. That moment, the moment you just described, it's your Prodigal Son moment. He is so happy to have you home.

  2. Jess, I don't know if I've ever commented before...but have read your posts now with such admiration, mainly for your honesty and your courage esp.. I loved this post. I have so much respect for you and truly am excited for this little (big) step in your life. Reconciliation is life-changing. Through and through. Happy for you :)

  3. I just started going to confession more regularly. So not as scary as I remember growing up. Way to go Jess! I recently started going to Adoration on Friday nights, so goo d to be in the quiet.

    1. I'm now a total believer in Reconciliation. I'm aiming for once a month from now on. My church doesn't offer Adoration. (The crappy part of living in a small town with a limited CAtholic population) :( Though I may look into some of the surrounding churches to see if they do.

  4. This post brought tears to my eyes. In 2007 I made my first confession. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Your post articulates all those feelings so beautifully. I'm so excited for you!



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