March 09, 2012

But I don't want it all.

I've always been sure of myself. 

From as early as I can remember, I never had a problem sharing my opinion. I never, ever felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm 100% sure that had everything to do with my parents and the amount of times they drilled into my and my brothers' heads that we were always worthy and that everything we could ever want could be achieved with hard work.

When teachers would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers were always different. One year I wanted to dance. One year I would say I wanted to be a high school history teacher. The one answer that never once entered my head?

A mom.

Even though I came from a traditional family, complete with a mom who stayed home, tied our shoes each morning and greeted us with a smile and warm words each afternoon, I couldn't see myself ever settling for such a role.


I was supposed to change the world. To soar. To set the world on fire somehow. And being a mom certainly wasn't going to fulfill that. I didn't want children. Period. I was going to have a corner office with an big title and a paycheck. And I was going to be important. More important than changing diapers and rocking crying babies to sleep.

I was better than that.

I am eternally grateful that His plan was far superior to mine.

After Owen was born, I ran myself ragged trying to be everything. Now I had something to prove. I didn't want to be the girl who settled. I didn't want to be the girl who got pregnant two months before graduation and faded. School, work, sleep, school, work, sleep. Most days I dropped Owen off at 6:30AM and didn't see him again until 9PM. Everything I had ever learned in school told me that I needed to contribute. I needed to graduate college, even if that meant never seeing my own son. That's what daycare was for, after all.

Shortly before Olivia came along, I decided to go to work full time. I had a job with steady income, two sweet little ones, and a husband who made me laugh. I thought I had it all.

Until I didn't. 

When Olivia was eight months old, it was as if a light switch was flipped in my heart. 

I didn't know my own kids.

I'd been so caught up doing what I thought everyone expected of me that I had completely overlooked what my own flesh and blood really needed. And it wasn't nice clothes and big summer vacations and a nice SUV.

They needed me.

And just like that, I decided I didn't want it all. 
I just wanted to be a mom.


Taking a bloggy break this weekend..see y'all Monday!


  1. You've touched my heart with this. I also worked while we had two and couldn't foresee a time that we'd be able to live on a single income. Thank God for happy accidents and unexpected blessings clothed as trials because now we have twice as many kids and 100 times as much love!

  2. Oh my goodness. This exact same thing happened to me when I had my daughter. I never put it into words as well as you did.

    I went back to work after she was born. Happily. 6 months later after being away from her 12-14 hours a day on average I just woke up and realized I wanted to stay home. Bye-bye corner office, big title and big paycheck.



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